Baby Quest

If you read my previous post before I briefly placed everything on private while I sorted some things out you already know that I was given three choices this week regarding my health….three options that could drastically alter our lives.  After thinking on it for a few days I decided to go with #4, which I’m sure my doctors will love when I inform them of my choice.  I was encouraged to either immediately undergo invasive fertility treatments, medically induced menopause which could have a negative impact on my health, or to give up and schedule the hysterectomy.  None of these options felt like the right one for me/us at this point in our lives so, I’m going to choose path #4…. trusting God and doing nothing.  This path is sometimes hard for me to stay on…not knowing what will happen next but, I feel that this is the most appropriate option until it becomes clear what path we’re meant to follow.  We know that it could lead us to another child be it of pregnancy or adoption, or it could mean that we have no more.  We are going to trust that whatever is going to be….will be and we are going to respect that.  So, come what may.

In the past I’ve really struggled with our journey to the point that it destroyed my faith, shook my marriage, and left me a shattered shell of who I was.  At times I know it’s going to be hard but, I’m going to trust that what we’re going through is all part of His plan for us…not my plan.  My plans mean nothing…. I’m going to try very hard to use this experience and journey to grow as a person and into my faith. I’m going to keep working on my education and work on being the best mommy I can for our son.

I’ve decided that it is time for me to find a church home and make a return, and I will be taking Sean.  At this point Mike still wants nothing to do with organized religion but, I feel like this is what I’m missing in my life and I want Sean to be raised better than I was so, I’m going to try and do that.  I’d prefer to go with people I already know at first since I am fairly socially awkward and shy.  So, hopefully I can find some friends who don’t mind a tag along which will hopefully lead to a new church home for us.

Below are the choices laid before us and we have no idea which way to go or what steps to take next.  Prepare for a little background and incoming TMI….

I have been hemorrhaging off and on (mostly on) since sometime in September/October (I have the date written down but am too lazy to go get my calender). I don’t so much mind the crazy random bleeding…it’s the pain that accompanies it that I don’t love so much….or the crazy roller-coaster hormones enter one minute loving and happy Val then five minutes later weepy Val followed again thirty minutes later by I’m so angry I just want to hop up and down while screaming Val.  Hormonal crazies are not fun for me…. definitely not fun for Mike.  Nor is the rapidly reduced levels of intimacy that has been going or rather not been going on at our house due to the aforementioned random bleeding and stupid hormones.

Okay so I spoke to my doctor last week who wanted to consult my other specialists (enter RE and Hematologist into the mix). I received the call yesterday from my favorite nurse in the world because my RE didn’t have time to call himself saying that at this point they’ve discussed it and I have three options.

1. Undergo fertility treatments immediately to achieve pregnancy.

2. Hormone therapy to induce a medically controlled menopausal state…. with my blood clotting disorder this is not a great option unless I go on stronger blood thinners.  This option would hopefully buy us some time to make decisions regarding pregnancy or time to adjust to the idea of option 3.

3. Discuss when I want to schedule the hysterectomy.

None of these things were we prepared to have to make a decision right now but, it’s a huge one to just have laid before you. Our choice will somehow alter and govern the rest of our lives.

I kept holding onto hope that we’d be the first to have a boy/girl/baby in our generation….that dream was smashed to bits yesterday. So that is no longer a factor.  Adoption is not an option at this point…point blank we just can’t afford to do it. Hormones may put me at risk. And a hysterectomy wouldn’t be able to be scheduled until Mike has been at his job for a year and has vacation time…. so roughly not until October. I would not be able to care for Sean by myself immediately following surgery and I have no one else that can or would be willing to help.  So at this point in time I just don’t know.

At this point in time I feel pretty lost, confused, hurt, and alone. Hopefully the situation we’re in starts to make some sort of sense soon or I may end up in a padded cell vacation ward. Ha!

So, it’s really looking like Mr. Sean may be it for us….. I would’ve loved for him to have someone to do life with besides us.

I’ll update this more when hopefully I have more clarity on the situation.

Did you guys have names picked out for multiple kids since you were planning to have more than one? Yes. We have had kids named picked out since not long after we started trying.  We had it narrowed down to two girl and two boy names, since we figured that we wouldn’t have more than two children either way.  For boys we had the first names Sean and Riley picked out, middle names we had it narrowed down to Daneel and David (Mike’s family had this thing going where all males had the middle initial of D…which has since been broken.  So, if we were to have another boy his first name may be Riley but the middle name may be something different since it’s now an option.  I really wanted Sean to have Michael as a middle name but Mike wouldn’t budge on that one.  As for girl names the two first names are Aeryn or Brenna, and middle names would either be Margaret or Faith.  At this given time I would say a girl would be either Aeryn or the new contender which is Ryleigh….with the middle name Faith.  Since I have issues with double letters in a signature or monogram….if I got my choice it’d be Ryleigh Faith.

How many kids did you plan on having? Two, which is a good even number.  With the costs of raising kids we felt that this number would be an appropriate one for us in order to give them some decent opportunities.

What do you think will be the hardest part if you raise Sean as an only child? I don’t want him to be lonely or selfish.  Growing up I was a very lonely kid and I don’t want that for my son at all.  The other main concern of mine is that he learns how to share and interact well with other kids/people.

If you had a choice of being able to be pregnant or adopt what would your choice be? I honestly don’t know and many factors would need to be ironed out before making a decision… what risks would be involved for me and the baby, what the odds were that I’d have a terrible delivery that resulted in severe complications or death, if our insurance would cover the long term anticoagulant therapy in addition to all the extra lab work and appointments.  If I get the chance I would love so much to be able to have a whole pregnancy experience, be able to give birth, breastfeed, etc.  But, if an adoptive situation opened up and we were able to adopt a newborn again with minimal risk of birth parents changing their minds we would likely strongly consider that option as well.  Wow I just did a complete circle…short answer it would really just depend on our situation at the time.

What do you enjoy most about being a mom? I enjoy getting to see and help shape the person he’s becoming daily, I love it now that he’s old enough that he expresses affection towards Mike and I. I adore gazing into those big blue eyes that are curious and so full of wonder and getting to teach him about things.  Basically I enjoy everything about it…. on a rare occasion I’ll have a moment (generally during a toddler tantrum) where I don’t dig it so much but wouldn’t trade him for anything.  I heard a saying once that’s something like kids need love…especially when they don’t deserve it.  And it’s so true… the hard moments aren’t just one sided and kids have a deep emotional need that should be met.

What really changed your mind about more actively pursuing pregnancy at this point? Honestly…Sean. We know that there is risk involved in my attempting pregnancy and before we had Sean I would have given up anything and everything for the chance to be a mom…even my own life if it came down to it.  I would’ve rather had a few moments or months of living out my dream than a lifetime of missing out on it.  Now that I have Sean… I’m not sure that I feel the same. Yes I would love and give up almost anything in order to have the honor and privilege of carrying our own child but, I cannot forget that I am already a mom to an awesome little boy…and I’m no longer as willing to take that risk.  So, if and when the time or situation is right we may consider other alternatives…. until then I’m going to love on that boy like there is no tomorrow and count my blessings everyday that I have him.  He is perfection to us, he is what we were waiting on and I honestly owe him my life. So I’m going to dedicate my everyday to making his life something really special because he deserves nothing but the best.  Yes I am still struggling with the healing process of all the emotional baggage and damage done during infertility, yes I miss the babies I lost but, I’m slowly realizing that I can’t live life based upon the sadness I’ve endured. I should be living life grateful for the blessings I have….like my little blue eyed boy.

Besides Sean, can you see any positives that came out of this journey? Honestly I really didn’t see any until the past few months.  I have been able to be a source of information and support to a couple of friends.  I know that I’m not going to be able to make the decisions for them, or completely take away their pain but I can offer them something that I didn’t have (but wish I did)…. I can offer them insight, a shoulder and sense of support, and someone who will always be in their corner supporting them however I can.  I can’t make their journey any less painful but I can try to make it less lonely.  Going through infertility and loss alone just make the situation and pain so much worse than it has to be and I don’t want anyone that I can help have to endure that pain alone.  One of my girls lives in the same area and the other a few states away…. the local one I have the ability to hug and love on whenever she needs it….and the other the best I can do 98% of the time are emails and phone texting/talking…but it’s still something.   So I guess the biggest thing I carried semi-out of this battle is that I can be of service to others.

I think this is all the mental energy I have for tonight/this morning.  Today (I guess) is going to be a very hard day.  Today I have to sit on the sidelines and watch one of my last dreams die. I was not the first to welcome a great grandchild or boy into Mike’s family and…now I will not be the first to welcome a girl.  I do not like being this person but it hurts, it’s hard not to be jealous or in pain watching others fulfill what your deepest wish has been.  I’m happy for them and sad for us…it’s very confusing and hard to feel all of these emotions at once.  So…if anyone reading this would want to say a prayer for me today… I’d appreciate it more than you’ll probably ever know.  I’m planning to spend the day loving on my little man and trying to escape the house and reality for a while.

Not a spectacular number to report… I’m down 3 more pounds for a total loss 0f 20.  But, the big thing was that I didn’t gain throughout the holiday season like I normally do.  Now that the season is over it’s time to step it up some more and try to get back on track with a better loss rate.

Current Goals-

1. Increase water intake to at least 64 oz per day (I’ve been slacking on this again)
2. Stop drinking soda (again)…I fell off the wagon
3. Begin doing the 3o Day Shred daily
4. Continue doing Yoga for Weight Loss (more than I am now)
5. Try to go walking 2-3 times per week (since it’s cold and icky at this point I will likely go mall walking)
6. Cut out sweet snacks…these are always my downfall; replace sweet/junky snacks with better things like fruit or protein containing items
7. Lose 5 pounds this month.

These are all fairly small and should be obtainable goals.  I was doing so well cutting down on the sweets and soda but with the parties and such it was very hard to resist and I let my sweet tooth get the best of me.  Homemade buckeyes and sugar cookies….need I say more??

It’s been a long while (about 2 years) since I did a post addressing some questions I have gotten regarding Infertility, Parenting, Health or Life in General.  Since I have a few minutes this evening I figured I would work on getting some of this done. So as usual hang onto your hats, it may be a bumpy and slightly unpredictable ride.

How do you feel about your struggles with infertility and loss now that you have a child? I have a lot of mixed emotions still when it comes down to our journey through infertility, the losses we suffered through, and just all the hurts in general.  In some way I’m thankful for our journey because it led us to having Sean, in other ways I wish I could just erase everything I endured and have a clean slate.  There are days that I/we cope with what our reality is much better than others some days it’s a real struggle…just depends.

Are you guys going to have any more children? We would absolutely love to have more children however, we’re beginning to face the reality that it may never happen.  My health is declining, with my clotting disorder the risk factors of something happening to me (or baby) during pregnancy and birth.  Before Sean, I was willing to risk my life to have a chance of becoming a mother.  Now that we have Sean…. we honestly aren’t as willing to take that risk of something going wrong.  As far as adoption goes….  it’s too expensive and at this point in time we just cannot afford to do it.  *If you want more information regarding the situation with Sean, the costs involved, please contact me privately as I don’t want to disclose financial information to “everyone”.*  I will say that the road to Sean was more than we had anticipated financially and it would have been much easier on us if we had things like a baby shower to help with some of the essentials or a fundraiser or something to help with legal/medical expenses.  And, since we couldn’t count on any assistance the first go round…. I am not going to count on having any when and if there is another journey down the road.  I guess the short answer to this question is that we’d love more kids but we don’t see it happening.

What was/is the hardest thing about being an infertile woman both before and after Sean? The hardest things for me have been the lack of support, and having to sit by while others are pregnant and pop out children repeatedly.  I really think infertility would have been easier to deal with (not easy by any means…just easier) if I had a proper support system in place.  I have had no family support from my own family and very minimal from Mike’s. I honestly have no close friends that have been constantly involved or supportive during this.  In addition to lacking support, learning to deal with some of the comments people make to or about us is pretty rough. For a long time we’d hear from parents “Grandbabies?? We aren’t getting any younger”, or “You are so lucky you didn’t have to be pregnant” or “Being pregnant isn’t all it’s cracked up to be….it’s nothing special” and the kicker is “We didn’t have any great grandchildren for years then we had three within a year”.  The last two comments are the ones that cut deeper than anything.  Pregnancy is something special, it is a blessing an absolute blessing. Becoming a mommy was one of the only things I ever wanted for myself. I wanted to see what Mike and I could have created together. I wanted to have the bonding experience during pregnancy, I wanted to be able to give birth to my own children, I wanted to breast feed to ensure good nutrition for the baby and strengthen our bond.  Yes, I am thankful that I have been able to get pregnant but having those losses after enduring living hell just made things worse.  The last of the comments hurts us both on many levels… it completely discredits what we have gone through, and doesn’t acknowledge the existence of the babies I carried and lost… it makes us feel as if our pain doesn’t matter.

How are you guys able to afford for you to stay home with Sean?  When are you going back to work? The short answer to this is simple…. we did not overextend our budget.  We live well within our means, no credit cards so we aren’t juggling extra payments per month, we do not have cable or a home phone by choice to reduce expenses.  We shopped around for the most budget friendly options in cell phone plans and insurance coverage.  Our monthly bills are simple : house payment, utilities, cell phone, and insurance(s). We do not spend more money than we have and we stick to a budget.  Shopping wise if we need something we get it however, if it’s a want item we save up and look around for the best deal when the time comes to purchase. At this point in time we honestly don’t know…. it could be after Sean communicates better and is completely potty trained so  he can hang out with grandpa during the day…. or it may not be until Sean starts school.  Since we know that Sean will likely be an only child it is important to both of us that I be with him…. he’s only small once and it’s going by so fast   How many jobs does Mike have and would you stay home if it were a multiple job situation? Mike works one job full-time. Occasionally he picks up a freelance project but hasn’t in about a year, and we never count on that as income.  I would not be staying home with Sean if Mike had to work multiple jobs.  We both feel that it is important for both parents to play an active role in their child’s life not just one.  Children grow up too fast to have one parent gone all the time, it is very healthy emotion wise for both parents to be present and active in their daily life.

Do you ever have trouble being around pregnant people? Most definitely…though not all the time.  It is painful at times so see pregnant people, especially when their situation isn’t “right” for bringing a child into the world.  Seeing others achieve what you’d give up anything to have well…it hurts.  Sean is at the age where we should be thinking about having another one or already be pregnant….which I’m not right at this very moment.

I think this is all I can manage for the night. I’ll keep trying to work on questions a few at a time.  If there’s something you’d like to know leave a comment below or email me privately at rayne1120@gmail.com.

I know I start off almost every month’s update with the same thing but seriously 18 months how did that happen!!??  It really, really does not feel like he should be that old already…. and I’m really in disbelief that we’ve been parents for a year and a half. It’s late and I’m going to really try not to ramble as much as I usually do.

Sleep- he goes to bed between 9-10pm and sleeps until between 8-9am. Naps…. still inconsistent. Some days he will nap for two hours and other days not at all. I suppose you can’t win all the battles right??

Eating Habits- he’s becoming pickier about certain things…mainly meat… the only meat he will eat consistently without fail are chicken nuggets not the healthiest thing in the world but it’s something. He loves fruit and vegetables and will eat about anything including cauliflower, broccoli, and pickled beets (??). Fruit…kid absolutely adores fruit his new obsessions are mandarin oranges and diced pears.  His milk intake most days anymore is a struggle and I’m lucky if he’ll make it through 8 oz, luckily he will eat yogurt, cottage cheese, and sliced cheese. He is not digging the high chair anymore…. he’d rather eat on the run which can make for interesting mealtimes.

Interests- Sean absolutely loves blocks! He got a set of Duplo blocks for Christmas and those are one of his favorite activities now. He also is very into cars, puzzles, books, balls, and music.  He really enjoys playing with his musical instruments and we now have a xylophone, keyboard, and a drum set that came with bells, rattlers, maraca eggs, and a tambourine. The music set I picked up on sale at Target for $15…for that many items and as much as he plays with it the price was worth it.

Verbal skills- strangest thing ever…. he can talk and says a pretty good variety of words but generally chooses not to talk. Not sure if it’s an only child or a boy thing???  In total he says….  mama, mom, dada, cup, up, bye, uh-oh, hi, kitty, cat, mamaw, grandpa, eat, more, yes, yay, no, hey, dog, bad, la-la (that’s how he says Leila….  took me a bit to catch that one but he says it when he’s looking for, greeting, or petting her), yum, nana (what he calls bananas), nom-nom (snack), car, book, ball, hot, that, and see.   He does put together 2 or 3 word phrases when he wants to. Overall he’s a fairly quiet child unless he demands attention or is just making a bunch of random sounds just because he can.

Sean will follow simple instructions and does so very consistently. He is enjoying running, climbing, and exploring all the different areas of our new house.  His new thing he likes to do is climb into and out of his toy box…apparently it’s a fun area to hang out in??  When music is playing he dances around and it’s absolutely adorable.

Clothing wise Sean is now in some 18-24 month and some 2T clothes, still in a size 6 shoe, 2T-3T socks, size 4 Pampers, and is on large settings on our cloth diapers. Once our new insurance is in place we will have his 18 month checkup…  for now I’m going to guess that he’s around 27.5 or 28 pounds…. and probably 34.5-36″.  It’s always fun to look at that and see how close I was in guessing his stats.  Teeth wise he has all of them in but the two year molars….which he’s working on now. I’m sure we will both be more than happy to have the teething over and done with…. poor guy.  By far the molars gave him the most pain and issues.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’ve never done before? Graduated from college….. finally!!  *It only took almost 10 years of going off and on…but I finally managed to do it!*
2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes because I didn’t make any for 2011.  I don’t generally make resolutions because I feel it sets you up for failure from the get-go. But, my overall goals for this coming year are to continue making healthier choices for myself and my boys.
3. Did anyone close to you add children to their families? Not this year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes…at the age I am now…scary.
5. What countries did you visit? None this year.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? A healthy pregnancy or other options for getting Sean a sibling. However, we are becoming more at peace with the idea that he may very well be an only child.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched in your memory, and why? Two dates…. March 18th and July 5th.  March 18th was the date I graduated from college and July 5th was the day our little man turned a year old.
8. What was your biggest achievement this year? Getting my Associate’s degree in Health Information Management.
9. What was your biggest failure? Another miscarriage.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? None other than ongoing female issues….but those really aren’t a new thing.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Toss up between cloth diapers for Sean or the laptop I got when I started at DeVry.
12. Where did most of your money go? Non-bill money…. again probably Target.
13. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating college and taking Sean on his first mini-vacations.
14. What song will remind you of 2011? One Republic- Good Life
15. Compared to this time last year are you:   Happier or Sadder, Thinner or Fatter, Richer or Poorer? Happier, Thinner, and Poorer…. kids are expensive!!
16. What do you wish you’d done more of? Enjoying life day to day….without worrying so much.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying about everything.
18. How will you be spending New Years Eve? A quiet evening at home with my boys….  no babysitter or really a desire to go out with all the crazy people.
19. Did you fall in love in 2011? Not a new love…. but a deeper love for my hubby and son.
20. How many one night stands? Erm, I’m married so….NONE
21. What was your favorite TV Program? Once Upon A Time
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone…hating is just a waste of time and emotional energy.
23. What was the best book you read? Sadly…. The Toddler Owner’s Manual; it’s both useful and somewhat entertaining at the same time.
24. What did you want and get? A bigger house equipped with enough room for our family to grow, room for a table, and a big bath tub   Okay, so that wasn’t on the make it or break it list for a new house…. but it was the icing on the cake for me.  What I love about our house is that the payment isn’t much more than our old house so we can comfortably allow me to stay home with Sean and start investing more for our future.
25. What was your favorite film from this year? Super 8…. although I will say this is one of those movies that you either really dig it or really don’t like it at all.
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 29 this year…. we went out to lunch with family at Olive Garden, had cake, and spent time hanging out with my boys
27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Non-adventurous and routine….  some type of denim bottom, comfy shirt or hoodie (depending on the weather), and either flip flops or sneakers (again depending on the weather).  Perhaps I should start putting an effort into fashion concepts?? Nah, I like being comfortable!
28. What kept you sane? Mike
29. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: Children grow faster than you can blink… slow down and try to enjoy every moment of their little lives.
30. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: “Change the voices inside your head, make them like you instead”- P!nk   *Although I don’t love all the language in the unedited version, I do think that it’s an awesome song with some powerful lyrics that are beneficial for anyone who’s been through rough spots in life and fights with their own self image.*  The clean version of the song is simply called “perfect”.

Sean turned 17 months old on December 5th, I’m a little late posting because we moved the couple days prior…and we’ve been trying to unpack.  This is probably going to be a fairly short update.

Food…. he’s still doing very well with eating, he’s a professional now with finger foods. And, he is working on using utensils…finally! The past couple of days we have finally had breakthroughs on the utensil and plate front… he’s actually been using the utensils and not throwing his other dishes   For a few months I’ve been trying to give him utensils and he’d either throw them back at me or on the floor.  He’s not perfect by any means yet but he’s trying.  Milk is a hit or miss thing with Sean…some days he seems to love it and others not so much.  He does get other sources of dairy in cheese, yogurt, and cottage cheese as well as daily vitamins so I’m not overly concerned at this point.

Sleep…. he’s going to bed about 9:30 and sleeps until between 8-8:30.  Since we’ve moved into the new house he’s been napping from 1-2:30 or 3.  He’s still fighting naps but will only fuss for a couple minutes before going to sleep.  Most of the time when we put him to bed he’s still awake now.  At night he has some milk and snuggles with Mike then if he doesn’t initiate the sleep phase with Mike he takes him to his crib and gives him his blanket and bunny and he’s out within a few minutes.  Still sleeping through the night 97% of the time, he’ll get up occasionally if  his teeth are hurting or the first night or so of a cold until he figures out to breathe through his mouth again.

Language…. not a lot of new words this month.  His vocabulary is pretty impressive for his age although he doesn’t always talk a lot, just when he’s in the mood to and mostly at home.  I’ve heard that boys generally stay quieter and talk less than girls at this stage but I’m unsure of if there is any truth to that.

Interests…. big hits this month have been blocks, puzzles, xylophone, lap top, stuffed animals, and balls.  He is also really, really getting into books now now that he has access to his bookshelf since he’s a free-range baby with the exception of a couple rooms in the house he has the ability to go pick what he wants to read and will bring you books    He also loves to swipe things off of the Christmas tree and drag around the bears I have sitting beside it.

It should be really fun to see how he reacts to all the holiday stuff and extra people around.

I have no idea on a current weight/height for him. Our home scale (not sure how accurate since he’s wiggly) says he’s 26.9 pounds. We will have a well check-up for him in January so I’ll have an actual weight/height then.  Clothing he’s still in some 12-18 month and mostly 18-24 month, socks are now a 2T-3T, shoes are a size 6.  In disposable diapers he’s still a size 4, we’re down to using even less of those now   Once I figure out a night time solution with the cloth diapers I think we’re going to go 100% cloth! People are warming up to it… and even if a grandma is watching them really all they have to do is remove it, wipe him, ball up diaper and stick it in the wet bag if we aren’t home for me to deal with later…  not really much different than wiping, balling up and throwing in the trash can.

I think that’s all I have for now as an update… next on my agenda is the request of an updated diaper bag now that I have a toddler and primarily cloth diaper.

Alternate title… my brain is going way too many directions!! Sorry this will be fairly random and possibly more ADD than usual…my apologies now.

Move….  we have moved into our new house, which is maybe a quarter mile from the old house.  Moving extravaganza began on Thursday and ended Saturday night.  Things could’ve gone smoother but overall weren’t bad.  We had a lot of help from family and we appreciate it so, so, so much.  Sean has settled right in here….has seemed at home since his first visit here…lots of new areas to wander, hardwood floors that are a blast to scoot around on and make lots of noise when he throws things..he loves it.  He fought his first nap here (but mostly fights naps so wasn’t a surprise), but he has slept thru the night every night since Saturday.  I’m trying to get him back into a routine so after lunch settles a bit I lay him in his crib at 1:00, he may fuss for 5 mins but quickly zonks out for about 1.5-2 hours some days.  Finally got our appliances (which were supposed to be installed last Thursday… yesterday afternoon.  All kitchen appliances are new with the exception of dishwasher since we had a new-ish one we brought from the old house. Today we discovered that the kitchen sink leaks…wonderful, the people assume I’m a pushover because I’m a girl and blew me off today. So, tomorrow Mike will be calling to deal with them.

School…. I’m almost done with this session I have the rest of this week and then finals are next week and all have to be completed by Thursday.  So I have a total of 19 things from now until next week to do….fun! On the upside after next Thursday I’ll be on session break until January 2nd I believe.  Will use my break to put more stuff away and perhaps decorate our house, and maybe make some Christmas goodies since I have ample counterspace now

Car…. my car lost a battle with a pothole last night, the result was a flat tire and bent rim.  Rim cannot be fixed So, Goodyear has ordered a “reconditioned” one that will be in tomorrow.  Cost of repairs $180, bill for towing service to help remove flat tire and put on donut $30, knowing that every time I drive by that pothole I will scold it to vent my frustrations….probably makes me sound like a looney person…but can you blame me??  The stupid pothole hole and its existence cost $210, that’s $210 that we didn’t really have at the moment because we put a chunk of available funds on house to keep our payment from going up too much.

Cat…. oh Leila my darling, fuzzy companion that pulled a disappearing act for about a day and a half after our move, you possibly gave me more gray hair and hormonal outbursts than I’ve had in a month or two.  I am very happy I found her…. hiding in a piece of furniture.  So now we’re watching her like a gang (gaggle??) of hawks for any more silly moves like that one.  I really thought she got outside and was devastated.  Leila has been my “baby” since 2006, she’s been a constant companion and distraction through a chunk of our infertility battle…. and I couldn’t imagine life without her here and hope I don’t have to for a very very long time.  Sean is absolutely crazy about her, and I’m pretty sure he is growing on her too… she endures his chases and lovins (while they are still a bit rough at times)…she is incredibly patient with him, always gentle.

Health…. I’m still having bleeding issues have been for quite a while now, and unless I want to take the risk and go on hormones which could be very bad with the blood clotting disorder there isn’t much they can do for me.  Because I’ve been stressed and overdoing it with packing and moving… I’ve been bleeding very heavily and it stinks. Absolutely stinks, I’m in pain…. I can’t take any of the pain pills that have been described because they make me very tired and loopy, those two things are not a great idea when parenting a busy busy busy toddler who is everywhere.  I have lost 9 more pounds, so in a month (give or take a little) I’ve lost 17 pounds total. So, to meet my goal I have 86 more pounds to go. That number sounds like a lot…. but it is better than the 103 total I started with to lose.  Little steps….Rome wasn’t built in a day, I won’t wake up and be skinny tomorrow.  One little step at a time I will meet my goal eventually.

I think that’s all the random updates my brain can come up with for tonight…. have a great rest of the week!!

Many people refer to the child you have post pregnancy or infant loss to be a rainbow baby and while this term is okay for people (there isn’t anything wrong with it) however, I do not feel this term comes close to describing what our son means to and for me.  I’m going to share below some of the letter I wrote to him the night he came home from the hospital, I will leave out some details and some things I feel should only be kept for him.

July 7, 2010

Sean,

I can’t believe you are finally in this world, that you are finally home to be with us.  I’m still in complete amazement that you made me a mommy and that you made us a family.  We’ve waited so long and endured so much to become parents and I never thought that would ever end, I am so beyond thankful to have you.  Walking the path of infertility and losing so many precious babies was becoming so hard, it cost so much emotionally and spiritually. Infertility caused me to be so sad and bitter, I just didn’t understand why me, why us, why God chose to put us through so much to become a family. I felt so empty and became a shell of myself that blocked out all the good things in life.

I didn’t understand the hows or whys of our journey until the moment you were placed in my arms, in that moment I felt peace and completion. I love you more than I can probably ever tell you sweet boy, but I will do my very best to show you each day. I did not get the privilege of growing you in my womb, you grew in my heart instead.  And, I am so so thankful for the sacrifice grandma and grandpa made to get you here with us… I’ll tell you all about that later, when you’re ready.  All I will say for now is if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have you.

Sean you are the greatest gift I could have ever been given, you are my every wish and every dream come true. You have taken an empty home and hurting heart and made them both complete.  Holding you in my arms I truly get to hold everything in the world that matters. You have turned an empty house into a happy home. You have given a purpose and meaning to our lives.

Part of me will always miss your brothers and sisters in Heaven, losing them I thought I lost everything.  Little did I know there was something even greater in God’s plan for this journey and my life,  I was meant to be your mommy.  You are a miracle baby, our miracle baby.  I did not like the road I had to take to find you but if I knew you were the light I was seeking, I would endure it all again.

Some people call a baby after a loss a rainbow baby, this does not even begin to cover what you are to me.  You are my redemption, my life, love, hope, dreams, and the answer to every prayer I prayed since we started this journey.  I love you so much sweet baby Sean, I am so beyond thankful that you are here, that you have saved me. I am so thankful and grateful that you were chosen just for us.

Love,

Mommy

**I can’t believe that sweet little 7 pound newborn boy I was writing to is now 16 months old, 26 pounds of all boy who keeps us on our toes constantly. I’ve done my best to make sure he knows how much he means to us, how much he is loved daily. He is perfect for us, I’d love to give him a sibling but am seriously becoming more peaceful with the idea of just having Sean.  One shouldn’t expect perfection twice, right??  Anyway it’s about 11pm now, I turn 29 tomorrow still can’t believe my 20’s are almost over. I should probably get some rest because the boys are taking me out to lunch and on an adventure somewhere tomorrow.**