Health-wise we’re still working on my issues. My first biopsy came back non-cancerous at this time but, they did find an overgrowth of endometrial tissue.  We chose to try the non-surgical treatment route first which means I’m on Provera for 3 months (May, June, July) the 1st-14th of each month in order to cause my body to clean itself out.  Translation for the next three months I can expect periods more painful and heavy than they already are….wonderful.  I go back on August 1st for another biopsy to see if it’s fixed itself or if I’ll need either surgery or another series of medication.  She said before we thought about trying for another pregnancy she would really like to see me drop some more weight so that’s a work in progress.  I went to my family doctor last week to have a checkup and talk to him about a guided weight loss plan.  He wanted to draw some blood to check for diabetes, cholesterol, thyroid issues, and a regular blood panel to make sure I’m okay and ensure that due to my family history if I was starting to have issues in one of those areas that it could be taken care of sooner rather than later.  The lab tech forgot to draw the blood for the A1C, and my thyroid level came back low.  So I’m going back on Tuesday for more lab work and to discuss treatment for the low thyroid level.  Come to find out a low thyroid level allows you to gain weight easier, makes losing weight extremely difficult, and….. contributes to infertility. I’m absolutely dumbfounded that in all of my previous labs ordered by my former ob/gyn or the RE that no one thought to check on that.

Sean has been doing well he’s starting to chatter a little more and words are becoming more pronounced and understandable however, he still only talks when he wants to.  He transitioned to a toddler bed wonderfully we had a bit of an issue the first night but he was back to sleep within 10-15 minutes after that perfection.  I’ll try to do a more formal update on him later but other than more words and a probable growth spurt not much has changed with him.  He’s busy, active, and loves to be on the go.

Back to the subject of more children we have discussed going back to the RE for treatment but, I don’t know if that feels like the right decision for us.  The past few days adoption has weighed on my heart heavily and I’m not sure we feel right about spending a lot of money to do something that may or may not work, if it works there are no guarantees that something won’t go wrong with the baby or me, plus there are a lot of kids out there already that need a good home and loving family…so I guess we just feel guilty.  So where does that bring us at this point…. we honestly don’t know.  We’d love to do an adoption however, it’s a lot of money, lots more than we have at this point because we refuse to live without money in savings for emergency situations.   Unless we figure things out we could very well be a single child family and honestly that could be okay too.  Sean has little friends he plays with, he’ll be in school in a few years, and if we only have him we would be able to give him more opportunities as far as education and cultural immersion goes…aka traveling.  There are lots of places we’d like to see, things we’d like to take him and do.  So we’re just trying to make a decision on what is going to be right for our family.

We’ve started planning his second birthday party…I can’t believe he’ll be two already   Anyway we’ve got the theme picked, food picked, and I believe a date picked… July 7th.  Unless Mike changes his mind about the bounce place the party will be at our house.

Anyway I hear Mr. Sean is awake so I should go get him before he decides to rearrange his room again.

Following the procedure I had cramps from hell for a few days, bleeding, still bleeding…again.  It stops and then starts again.  Doctor seems to think I started lifting too soon…  nah really!!??  I have a 27-28 pound toddler who is very much attached to his mama and wants picked up and loved on a whole bunch.  Anyway I should get the results of the biopsy anytime between tomorrow (Wednesday) and Friday.  Still very nervous about the outcome and have been preparing myself for the worst case scenario.  I am still hoping for the best but prefer to not be blindsided by what my/our new reality is.   If it is not cancer and they can “temporarily fix me up” we will be going back for a couple semi-aggressive fertility treatments.  If it’s cancer then we’ll be preparing for the hysterectomy and radiation or chemo that would follow.

Following along those lines we’ve also made some very grown up decisions regarding insurance, the future, and guardianship of Sean should anything happen to both of us.  We expanded our life insurance on each of us to enough to help the remaining spouse pick up the pieces and be able to pay off all debts including the house, pay our final expenses, and start a dedicated college fund for Sean. We had to make the guardianship decision when we signed up for this particular insurance…..  should anything happen to both of us.  We were just going to leave it to Sean however, they explained that if no (insert fancy word for guardian that I can’t remember) was named that the account would be locked in a trust for Sean that he would have no access to until he was 18.  Obviously we are entrusting someone for the absolute care of our son and should they need some of the money to say help pay for school, or insurance, or medical bills, etc. we wanted them to be able to access the money to provide for him.

Next step on our to do list is to get the proper legal documents established so I’ll be making a call to our lawyer tomorrow to get the ball rolling on that.  Because no one will be happy about who Sean is going to should something happen to both of us we are going to keep his named guardian a secret…. mostly for our sanity.  Sanity is a good thing!   Part of me is sad for feeling like we needed to make these decisions now but I know regardless it was the responsible thing to do…. and I feel so much more grown up now….    We are switching our car insurance over to the company who already has our home and life insurances, with the discounts we will save enough per month to go ahead and get Sean a permanent life insurance policy as well….just in case.  We’ll pay the policy off in 20 years, after 5 years the policy starts building interest and cash value should it ever be needed down the road.  So, I’m trying to not look at it from the morbid perspective of what would happen if he dies but from the oh we’re making an investment in his future kind of way.

Anyway that’s where we are now insured, more grown up, and playing the waiting game.  I will post any developments going on as they arise…. of course after immediate family has been notified of the situation.   Prayers are most definitely appreciated.

Sean will be staying home with grandma so I don’t have to take him with me…. and a friend is going to take me because she does not want me to go alone.  Mike will be at work….since he changed jobs in October he doesn’t have a ton of paid time off built up yet and in the event of surgery he will need to save any time he has for that.  At this point I’m okay still numb and trying to wrap my head around what happened today.  It’s just mind blowing to sit here and have to think at the age of 29 that I may have cancer.  Not pleasant at any age by any means however, the younger you are the harder it is to learn to cope with.  The results of this test are going to directly impact the rest of our lives.  Scary. She would have scheduled the biopsy sooner however I have to be “inactive” for the next two weeks to ensure that I don’t get pregnant in the meantime.

I’m sure I’ll write more as I begin to process this and take any next steps that are in my path.

I’ll update sometime tomorrow after the appointment and any necessary phone calls have been made.  Just wanted to take a minute to document the emotions I’m feeling now…right now I’m just scared and tired of waiting for answers.  I’m tired of endless hoping for things that may never be. I’m tired of endless appointments, new theories, medication, and being poked at like I’m a pin cushion. I’m tired and I’m angry and I really don’t like the battle I’ve been chosen for.  Infertility just plain sucks and there is no gentler or more tactful way to say that…. it just plain sucks and it hurts and I really don’t like it one bit.

Sorry for the slight word pattern and resemblance to rhyming but I’ve read a lot of Dr. Seuss books to my toddler today and the rhythm just won’t go away   If it doesn’t stop soon I may try to poke my brain out with a pencil…really don’t think that will work but it’s the best I could think of right at the moment.

We do cloth diaper while at home during the day; we do still use disposable diapers at night and while away from the house just because it makes life easier….let’s face it overnight leaks or leaks on the go are never any fun! Now, our cloth diapers are wonderful and leaks rarely ever happen but no diaper is ever perfect cloth or paper.  Our favorites hands down are the BumGenius 4.0’s and Blueberry OneSize….. we’ve downsized our collection to just those.  Cloth diapering is not as hard or as gross as one might believe.  We wash every other day…any longer with toddler pee and you’d have ammonia stink issues and that’s bad.  Wash routine is easy…. cold rinse water only, hot/cold  heavy wash w/ the extra rinse selected to make sure all the detergent is removed.  Drying also easy….. inserts and liners go in the dryer, outers/covers go on our bamboo drying rack either in the bathroom or on the back deck depending on the weather.  We do usually do disposables when Sean has a rash because only the heavy-duty rash creams take care of it and of course they aren’t cloth diaper safe.   If anyone has any questions about cloth (I’m still fairly new) but I’d be happy to try and answer.

We have also done our best to reduce the amount of energy and water we use.  We use all energy efficient bulbs only when necessary, during the day our blinds our open and we operate purely on natural sunlight.  Our furnace and air conditioner are only on when it’s necessary, on nice or mild days the windows and screen door are open to let the air in.  We only run the dishwasher or laundry when there is a full load.  We also do not use any disposable dishes, utensils, or cups in our house…all are reusable.  Each member of our family has a designated reusable water bottle for drinking and in Sean’s case he also still has sippy cups.  We all have a Camelbak bottle and love them for their durability… Mike’s is red and from his former company, mine is pink, and Sean’s is the kids version that’s green with dinosaurs on it.

Recently I’ve been trying to get better about buying things second hand especially kids clothing they grow so fast it’s really silly to spend a boat load of money on clothes they’ll just outgrow in the matter or a few weeks/months depending on the age and growth pattern of the child.  I’ve gone down to getting one pair of nice bottoms and two nice tops to pair with it new for when we go nice places and the rest I get second hand… play clothes are just going to get dirty and ruined anyway…right?

We are a two car family however, 90% of the time only one of them goes places which is back and forth to work for my husband.  My car generally stays home unless Sean and I have something we need to go do and that’s maybe one day per week we try and group all of our errands into that day.  The rest of the time we’re home-bodies and go for lots of walks around our neighborhood to get out of the house.  We try to buy local when we have the option to, when our farmer’s market is open we buy nearly all of our produce there to support local people and agriculture however it’s seasonal from Spring-Fall.

Our area does not have a recycling program set up yet but there are a couple drop off places locally… when we have plastic bottles and paper those go.  I do not mess with aluminum cans due to bees and my allergy to them.  I’m interested in learning more about composting and how to get started with that. I also use reusable shopping bags most of the time…occasionally I do forget to bring them though.  I’m trying to get into the habit of putting the pouch of them back in my trunk after we unload the groceries.  We have some of the Envirosax….I got the set of them on one of the baby bargain sites and it came with 4 sacks that are decent sized and roll/snap down to almost nothing and a little zippered pouch to keep them in.

**Sorry I did go MIA for a couple weeks my college schedule picks up a lot around midterms and then again at finals; on top of the midterms I’ve had a cranky teething little guy.  I’m hoping to be able to post weekly again. **

I’m not sure what the doctor is thinking besides the fact I may actually be pregnant.  I have taken tests at home and they have all said negative. But, between the tiredness, random spotting, slight nausiatedness and my past three months aversion to meats (meat does not taste good to me at all…I eat it because I know I need the protein), and add in my past two week recurring dream of not knowing I was pregnant and giving birth alone in our bathtub my brain is now going hmmmmm.  Just in the event I am pregnant I have been on prenatal vitamins, DHA/Omega3 supplement, and most importantly a blood thinner regimen.

So, I’ll keep you all posted.  If I’m not pregnant hopefully she’ll help figure out what exactly my body is doing.  Regardless I’m on pins and needles…. excited and scared out of my mind.  I debated on if I should actually post this because of one of my recent ones being mega bummed that I wasn’t pregnant….  I’d taken a digital test that morning and had slight spotting so I thought maybe I’d start a new cycle so we could move on…. nope.  Anyway just thought I should have my most recent dose of body craziness documented just in case.

So at any rate no crazy diet/exercise plan until I have it absolutely 100% confirmed that I am not pregnant…just in case there is a bean on board choosing to remain in stealth mode.

Diet wise I will be doing 2 high protein meal replacement drinks per day, 3 snacks of fruit/veggies, and my dinner has to be 500 calories or less….basically my calorie intake daily will be between 1000-1300 per day.  It’s strict but I have had luck with doing this in the past. So here goes nothing!

7-8am: wake up, pack Mike’s lunch for work, get him off to work and then I shower.

8-8:30: check coursework, email, get task list together for the day

8:30-9: Sean gets up, gets  new diaper, give him a cup of milk and then I make us breakfast (oatmeal and fruit)

9-10: we eat breakfast and I clean up the kitchen while Sean has some independent play time

10-11: “learning time” we read books, do flashcards, sorting, colors

11-11:30 Sean has a small snack and we tackle small tasks that need done around the house

11:30-1 work on Sean’s blocks, read more books, and color

1-1:30 I make us lunch and we eat

1:30-2:30 “quiet time”  Sean rests (rarely will he sleep) while watching cartoons or part of a movie and I try to tackle discussion board posts or some reading or research for my course work this week

2:45-4:30 we ran errands, since we only had one errand (post office) we grabbed a drink from Sonic and went to play at the park.  Sean has a snack at the park probably around 3:15 or so…. that boy loves his peanut butter crackers and they’re easy to take out with us

4:45-5:45  I prepare dinner, Sean decided he wanted to play with blocks while I was cooking

5:45-7:30 Mike gets home…we eat dinner and have family time

7:30-8pm Mike gives Sean a bath, I try to tackle household tasks that still need done

8-???  I go in the office to work on schoolwork,   Mike and Sean spend time together from 8-9, then Mike starts Sean’s bedtime routine…typically Sean is out between 9:30 and 9:45… Mike goes to bed immediately after during the week.  I stayed up until 2:30am studying….it’s midterm week, on top of working on our course project for Healthcare Finance, and the other homework and discussion boards they assign us for the week.

**It doesn’t sound like I did a lot of cleaning yesterday…. typically I do deeper cleaning and laundry on Monday and Friday.**  Our theory with me being home is that it is most important to keep Sean on a schedule, happy, and to try and teach him thins.  He doesn’t watch a lot of tv and loves to read so we spend a lot of time doing just that

I was (am still trying) to participate in a read-along online also, but the past two weeks school schedule hasn’t allowed for any “extra” reading and there has been a lot going on emotionally.  I’m hoping that my schedule eases a bit next week so I can play catch up.

To make my nogoodverybadday even worse…. not so tactically I found out three people are pregnant…two are complete oops babies….one of which is my neighbor that we were helping out who decided to go back to her husband (or rather have him move in with her and the kids), the other may have been planned…. and of all places to just randomly announce it….Facebook! This person is a former infertile who I’d honestly hoped would’ve had a little more sensitivity when telling me as the last we spoke she was planning on having an only child also. Nothing like logging in to check a message someone else sent and seeing in your feed a very positive pregnancy test. Ouch.

Recently I’ve been thinking of giving up on the let’s have another baby business because, let’s face it since nothing has gone the right way so far it probably is not going to end well with subsequent pregnancies.  I felt it was best if I came to terms with this now instead of having it just be a “not my choice” thing.  This has been one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make…and it hurts, it’s still raw, and no emotional healing has taken place. But, although we’re strongly leaning towards not trying anymore it still is extremely painful, and I’m now having to deal with the fact that I’m not going to be pregnant again, I’m never going to give birth, and I’m never going to have the experience of being able to nurse my child.  We didn’t have enough time with Sean to “prepare” my body and do the induced lactation regimen, and since I did go back to school when he was a week old I’m not sure how it would’ve worked out anyway.

So at this point I’m hurt and very much fighting the green-eyed monster when it comes to other people being pregnant and having new babies.  I wish I could find the words to explain the depth of the pain that’s going on inside…. in a sense it’s like being stabbed repeatedly in the heart, my family does not feel like it’s complete and there is just this empty space there. Part of that is improperly grieving my lost babies and part of that is not knowing if there are any little souls meant for my family.  It’s a battle at this point to put on a smile and be happy for others….but I do try…some days it’s much harder than others.

A great deal of my emotional anguish is that I simply don’t have an outlet, I have literally no one…no friends or family support.  Generally the only time I hear from either is when I can do something or I hound them so much they do something just to shut me up.  I’m an emotional eater…. before this last set of emotional offset I had lost a total of 32 pounds, the past couple of weeks I have managed to put back on 8 of those pounds…. pretty sure at least a couple of those were from yesterday.  Hubby in his “doghouse” state brought home chocolate…not just any chocolate….chocolate from a local family-owned place that is simply to die for.  I may have eaten most of my treat yesterday.  I usually have better control but apparently not yesterday.

I’m tired, stressed out, and while I love my life….I really, really need a break of some sorts.  My school schedule is pretty much killing me, their requirements per week are absolutely insane, maybe not if I were able to work on it more than just late at night or weekends.  Basically I’m cramming 7 days of work into two days total.  Between school, taking care of Sean 96% of the time most of that I’m flying solo, trying to take care of the house/finances/errands, and help out with his grandparents on an as needed basis…. I’m overwhelmed.  I haven’t had a date or any real “alone time” with my husband in a long time which I think is part of the problem. I miss him, the only time he’s home I’m scrambling to get things done.  I need to take a step back and realize I’m not super woman and learn to let some things go.

I’ve decided I’m taking summer semester off from school so, I just have to get by until sometime in June I believe.  Hopefully between now and then I don’t botch things up and lose my scholarships as no scholarships mean I won’t be going there because it’s pretty expensive.  I have no desire to take out any more student loans, and we make “too much” to qualify for grants.

Anyway I think I’ve done enough rambling/sharing my craziness for today.  I need a hug, a friend, a something…I have no idea.  A nap or coffee maybe….  coffee is probably the most realistic thing for this morning so I guess I’ll take it.

Eating- using utensils instead of fingers are still an ongoing battle but, he’s doing better most days now.  We’re also introducing a “real” cup with some meals to see how he does with it… he tries but still dribbles a bit. Sean is getting much picker on meat and will no longer eat hamburger of any kind unless it’s taco flavored.  He has been recently refusing cookies, mac & cheese, and spaghetti. Lately our go-to foods with him are oatmeal, yogurt, mandarin oranges, bananas, broccoli, froot loops (not healthy but some mornings he won’t eat anything else…and I’d rather he eat something than nothing), chicken tenders, apples, and peas.

Teething- still working on 2nd molars they have been bothering him to the point of him not eating well more often than we’d like to see.

Sleep- naps are rare, but he is sleeping well at night again (95% of the time). Typically he goes to sleep around 9:30 and gets up between 8:30 and 9 in the morning.

Vocabulary- this month he’s added a good bit of new words but he still only talks when he’s in the mood to. “New” words are chicken, dog, blue, corn, tater, apple, juice, milk, door, nose, ear, spoon, fork, and bird.

Activity- Sean’s days can be summarized like this…. bouncing, running, reading, coloring, ball, cars, dancing, climbing, chasing kitties, blocks, with some occasional snacks mixed in.  He loves to snuggle with me…. it’s very sweet and I love every second of it but cuddle time doesn’t last long because my boy has an extremely busy agenda to keep up with…see above and repeat over and over and over.  I really wish I had his energy.

Potty- still a work in progress but on average he makes it 3 times a day when we’re home…pee only. But, he is still fairly young to be starting the potty training and we’re not pushing….we just follow his lead.

Stats- last month he was 26.6 pounds ( he gained a whole 2 ounces in like four months…but they aren’t worried…see activities above for reason why) and he’s 34″ tall now.  Clothing he’s in a mix of 18-24 months as well as some 2t items, really depends on if it runs small, fit, etc.  Socks 2t-3t and shoes are a 7 still.  Disposable diapers are size 5’s, he could still fit in 4’s but they don’t have the absorbancy he needs.

Overall Sean is doing very well… he’s healthy, lovable, and a happy kid most of the time.  We couldn’t have asked for a better kid.  We’re starting to work on his 2nd birthday plans more… I will still swear to you that we just brought him home last week though….still baffled on where the time went.